Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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