Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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