dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
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