Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Randomize
