my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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