i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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