He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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