Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
