I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Randomize
