so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
