I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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