Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
