Only a mothe r could love this liver
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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