What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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