I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
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Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
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