we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
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