Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
