It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
