I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
The feeling are messing with the penis
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
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