he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
