I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
