I wish I only lived at night.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
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