Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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