You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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