Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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