My room smells like vodka and shame
No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
