They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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