I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
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