Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Randomize
