The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
