I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
