god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
