Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
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Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
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Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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