Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
