Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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