he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Let's paint friendship bongs
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
