I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
