We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
