i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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