I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
No awkward lesbian experiences without me
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
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