I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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