Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
zippers are such a cool invention
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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