I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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