When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
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