dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Randomize
