I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
