When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
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