I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
