Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
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