I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
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She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
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I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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