Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Holy sore nipples Batman
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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