My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
