Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
