whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
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Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
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Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
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