i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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