nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Randomize