I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
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Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
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