Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
