i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
i've created a new STD.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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